screaming out of my mind

What the heck am I even doing? why is this so freakin ridiculous and messed up! im really pissed that i have to now waste more of my precious thoughts on this. yet, I haven’t stopped thinking about it. that’s the real issue. i haven’t dealt with it in my heart. i haven’t dealt with it and let my emotions go. i need to deal with it. i need to get past it. it is just a lot easier to run and avoid. o wicked heart of mine, you would rather burry the problem then allow yourself to be healed. don’t feel bad though, i understand, allowing healing is to be vulnerable and that is scary. when one is vulnerable, you open yourself for even more hurt. yet, if you don’t make yourself vulnerable, you will never allow someone close. i haven’t allowed myself to be vulnerable since ry, and that hurt bad. that’s why you don’t want to do it again heart. its time though, its time to be vulnerable again. its time to hurt again. its time to allow God to really heal me so i can partake in real community.