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i am so confused, i don't know what to think.

Who Knows what to think any more

Its amazing how fast life can change on you. one moment your flying along in areas and moving slow in others, and then they flip flop. an area you thought needed alot more time moved light years in days and an area you thought was flying along hit a major speed bump. life does that to me often these days, yet in the midst of that little bubble called my life, people are hurting, friends are hurting. its amazing what becomes important when you hear about a friend possibly dying. everything important speeds up and what is of little importance slows down. i dont know what to think about much anymore because it seems alot of things got shifted in my life in the last 48 hours. the next 48 should be interesting. "Jesus, here i am your favorite one, what are you thinking, what are you feeling, i have to know? for i am after your heart, i am after you."

A History in God

I want my roots to run deep in the knowledge of God. i no longer want to casually know God; i want to have sustained intimacy that has developed over years. roots are something that take time to grow and even more time to sustain. i need my identity and my God to be one in the same. i must have a history that is rooted in seeking after His face. Let the cry of my heart be the cry of my mouth. Let the lover of my soul be the lover who i spend my time with. a history that runs deep in time spent. i have no idea what this will look like, but i am willing to find out. i am willing to live dangerously for God. i am willing to dive into the pleasures of knowing him. "you wont relent until you have it all, my heart is yours."

New Album

I purchased the new Sigur Ros album Tuesday. it is actually a double cd called "Heim" and "Hvarf". it has a collection of live songs and previously unreleased songs. It is the best cd I have heard since the last Sigur Ros album, Takk. i think that may be saying something about the current state of music today; in case you didn’t get the hint, I think current music sucks! So, go do your yourself a fricken service and pick up the new Sigur Ros cd, it is will be well worth your time and monetary investment.

screaming out of my mind

What the heck am I even doing? why is this so freakin ridiculous and messed up! im really pissed that i have to now waste more of my precious thoughts on this. yet, I haven’t stopped thinking about it. that’s the real issue. i haven’t dealt with it in my heart. i haven’t dealt with it and let my emotions go. i need to deal with it. i need to get past it. it is just a lot easier to run and avoid. o wicked heart of mine, you would rather burry the problem then allow yourself to be healed. don’t feel bad though, i understand, allowing healing is to be vulnerable and that is scary. when one is vulnerable, you open yourself for even more hurt. yet, if you don’t make yourself vulnerable, you will never allow someone close. i haven’t allowed myself to be vulnerable since ry, and that hurt bad. that’s why you don’t want to do it again heart. its time though, its time to be vulnerable again. its time to hurt again. its time to allow God to really heal me so i can partake in real community.